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The Best Imitation of Myself
 
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Below are the 16 most recent journal entries recorded in Jenny "The Conservative Cutie"'s LiveJournal:

Thursday, July 17th, 2003
12:33 am
Eva!
;Eva! My friend Eva left me a note on my journal! Thanks girl you made me smile and for a sec. see that life really isn't the sucky crap I think it is! Whoo hoo! Thanks girl! Hugs!

Current Mood: Happy
Wednesday, July 16th, 2003
11:31 pm
This and that and whatever
;It's official! I'm blah yet again friends and sportsfans. Blah blah blah blah blah.

Well a few happy things have happened today. First of all I got this ambigious letter that was talking about my medical card, so I think I now have medicaid! Whoo hoo! And I found someone new to talk to about my D I D, personality disorder... Oh! and part two of The Stand finally showed up! Yeepeeee! :: doing computer chair dance of joy! :: Also got to talk to my friend Eva who I haven't talked to in a while.

Next month on the way back from Larry's I'm going to stop over in Topeka and visit her for a few days. I am looking forward to that a lot.

But yes I'm feeling blah. It's pethetic but the only thing I have to look forward to tonight is that Comedy Central is going to air Dilbert and I love that show!

Wish I had more to say but I don't


Current Mood: Blah and hmmmmmmm...
Monday, July 14th, 2003
10:41 pm
Feeling kinda blah
I'm feeling pretty blah and depressed right now. I can't even get into editing my website. All I want to do is sleep. Sitting up at the computer makes me so sleepy. Also I'm hungry. I think I'm getting... Nevermind. Naah I think I'm going to start my monthly. Two days late already, but it could b e because of the new medication I'm on. Yes, another new med. Gawd I am feeling like a lab rat or something, this makes the third in a month and the fifth total in my life. Well going for now. blah blah blah blah bllah.

Current Mood: depressed
Thursday, July 10th, 2003
8:43 pm
Vent
I think I'm starting to hate web page design because nothing I do is working out. Was going to ditch the LJ but have thought better of it. might just as well keep it, it will make that part of mataining my website that much more simple. The less I have to worry about the better off I am.

Current Mood: anoyed
Friday, July 4th, 2003
10:08 pm
Well? Here we are stuck in hell til August.
As you all can see, I'm not in the most chipper of moods. I had to leave Larry's two days sooner than I had planned because we couldn't get a ride to the bus station up in KC and I have a shrink appointment Monday morning so gotta be here to go to that. Whoo hoo... NOT!

It looks like the soonest I'll be back up in KC, where I'm happy, will be the first of next month but more than likely it will be like the 19th, and that sucks!

At leest he has his internet back so we can still talk. This last month he didn't have net access so we couldn't talk exsept for when I could use dad's wireless or if Nay Nay called him on three way for me. God bless her!

My Larry is so good to me, that's one thing I am not bitchy about. He does as much as he can to help me with everything and if there is anything I want and he can get it he will. Like I love Stephen King's book The Stand and found where I coul d rent the full unabridged thing online on tape but I didn't have the thirty bucks they wanted so since I have to be here with nothing fun to do sept this website thing, he loaned me the money so I could get my book

I'm bushed, I had journal entries but like a dumb ass I left them on my laptop whats at Larr's house now... Maybe I can get him to Email them to me. Left my MP3 player there too. and my watch... Oh well I guess it's keeping all the other stuff I keep up there company like my full set of bathroom items, shampoo conditioner all that good shower stuff, and my week's worth of clothes and all my DVDs. and Fleming's dishes and food. Next time I go up there I can get away with just a backpack whoo hoo! LOL Well outta here for now, finally got my website problem fixed so doing so me maajor work tonight. Will write more tomorrow.


Current Mood: Athsma or however you spell it sucks
Wednesday, June 18th, 2003
2:37 pm
The Long Walk
Wednesday 18 June 2003 14:35

I went out on a walk earlier. It's hot and sticky outside and normally going on a walk like the one I went on (a mile) would have me breething bad. I had to use the inhailer earlier, before going on the walk, and since I used that, I haven't had any trouble even after my walk. Yee pee!


Current Mood: tired
12:37 pm
Sister Super mega Bitch
Can someone please tell me why exactly 15-year-old girls have to be such bitches about everything under the sun? Especially around their friends? They act like such bad asses, like they such hot shit and frankly? It pisses me off. GET SOME FUCKEN MANNERS PLEASE! I don't mean to be rankin on 15-year-old girls in general, just my sister inparticulre. Because she's been such a total megamega super bitch and I've had it! She acts like she owns the fucken phone. This girl, O my God, she sits up there on the cable internet chatting away to friends with the phone phone in one hand and the wireless in the other and the kicker? She be talkin to at least one of the people on the phone that she is talkin to online! WTF! I mean, that's just, that's just... wrong... or something... Then she has the balls to talk down to me like she all better than me tellin me "You can wait." Bitch needs to shut the fuck up. Sorry for going off but really!

Current Mood: Humm? and kinda bitchy
12:23 pm
Dr.'s Visit, Meds, Ect.
Wednesday 18 June 2003 11:43

I just got home from my weekly visit with the si's office. I think they are going to keep me on this Abilify 15mgs because it seems to be helpful for the most part. I've got two more weeks worth of those little trial packs to last me through my trip to KC so I should be fine. They are not giving me a flat out script yet for the meds because I still have trouble with being jumpy and starting easy at sudden sounds and things. They want to do a two more week go to see how I do, then go from there.

I go back on 7 July for my next meeting. I also got a script for an inhailer to ease all this trouble I've had breething. I've used it once already and the difference is just outstanding! I can breeth! And take deep breths and I don't feel like I'm choking to death!

I can use this thing every six hours at most and at the very least twice daily, I feel better just knowing if I start having trouble breething I can fix it now insted of weezing all over the place and having to sit still for a lot of minutes til I can breeth again. I mean, I have to when I use this inhailer thing but... It hopefully won't be so much.

I've neglected for quite a number of entries now to tell exactly how I'm feeling on these meds...

Last time I did write anything I think I was still on the 0.5mg of Rispidol. I've been off that for a week. They took me off it because I wanted to eat everything in sight and I had just horrid dreams (see the second offline journal entry for 03 June) and a bad case of cotten mouth.

Well now I'm on this new, and it is new on the market as well as being new to me, med called Abilify. I wonder who names these drugs anyway, they all have such odd nnames...

This has been a fairly okay drug I guess. I feel a little sick at my stomach and don't feel like eating much, but I'm fat anyway so it isn't a bad thing. I haven't felt so angry or uptight about things and the panic, although not gone, has at times backed off a bit.

I also sleep pretty good. No weird or bad dreams, thank God, and well for the first few days I was on the med that's about all I wanted to do was sleep. But things are evening out now and I actually have somewhat of a normal sleeping patern again! Whoo hoo!

t.

Current Mood: Hummm...
Tuesday, June 17th, 2003
5:19 am
It's Tuesday!
It's Tuesday! Which means It's more almost Thursday than it was this time yesterday! Whoo hoo!

I know I'm insane, but I've already got all my stuff packed to go, and I just realised something. I'm not going to be able to sleep in til after I get to Larry's. This morning I think I'm going to breakfast with my uncles and dad and then tomorrow I have another apointment with the is's office to see how I'm doing on this new medication and then it will be Thursday and time for me to go.
4:56 am
"Woman driving, man sleeping. There's no radio to play. Sitting with the map laying crumpeled in her lap, looking for the toll money to pay.

Man sleeping is man dreaming in a large apartment house walking and knocking on doors. Woman driving, man sleeping. Passing all the other cars searching through the black never turning to look back..."

I've felt feeling, of somethings' gotta change, somethings' gotta give, for a while now. I feel like I need to take flight and go. Where? I donno, anywhere other than here, sometime other than now.

I feel like such an outsider here these days and I don't know why, or maybe I do and I'm just to proud or smart or stupid to admit it.

All I want to do right now is run, and run and run to where the land and sky touch, and then run beyond that. I want... I want... I want... But what's the use,
I want that which I can not have so what's the use of wanting anything anymore?


Pointlessness, pure pointlessness... I've been thinking a lot about this group home everyone is saying will be so good for me. I know what Chelle would say to this and I know Larry would agree so I better state it here so I don't have to listen to the same shit over and over. I'm afraid of change. And yeah? I am. So?

A home. I mean a group home, that's for people who are like really bad off or slow minded or something, please no flames my way okay? I think if I did wind up going into this home thing my folks would glote and they would of won and their thoughts o f me never amounting to anything would be for real.

Then again, lots of people live in group homes or halfway houses when they are trying to get their lives back together. But I never thought that would be me.

Halfway houses are for wineos and shit, or whatever...

And I don't know about living with all these strange people to boot. What if I don't like any of them or they don't like me? What if t they win d up driving me more nutty than the fam already does?

Stern, and the others on the inside have been talking about this group home... Some of us really want to go do it. I mean at least there we'd be away from the fam and treated like hopefully normal. And, as Stern points out all th e time we're going off to a rehab center for the blind at some point so it's not like we'd have to stay there for years and years. Maybe it will work out like this. I move into group home... Go out of state for to finish rehab, take nine months to do it right then maybe by that time Larry and I would be tthinking about living together. I don't know.

I just feel so lost, wandering around and not knowing what to do exactly...

I don't think I even know any people what live in group homes... I just don't know and SSI, won't that mess up SSI as well? And how much does it cost? I got bills that gotta get paid group home or no group home, and I think those places are expensive. Hell if I know. ARRRRG


Current Mood: confused
Monday, June 16th, 2003
10:12 pm
Monday 16 June 2003
Today's Goals:
NONE
Goals Met
NONE

Thoughts on the day

"...Now that I have found someone, I'm feelin' more alone, than I've ever felt before."
--Ben Folds Five "Brick"

I'm officially lonely and depressed today. Thursday seems so far away, how in the world am I ever going to make it? I am so painfully lonely sometimes, even if I'm with my friends I still feel like I'm all alone. Things here at the house aren't all that wonderful either.

For one you have the folkks. The other night my mom comes down here and starts laying down this sad music about "I don't like her" she's heard stuff from other people and I don't like her and have never liked her. I don't like her if you want to know the honest truth. I love her she's my mom but I do not like what she does, I mean how she is. I finally got to the point to where I said I was done talking and playing this pitty party game. I got up and shut my door...

Then there is my sister, shit fire! She's ten almost eleven years younger than me but treats me like shite. She talks to me like I'm retarded and treats me like a dog. The manner in which she speaks to me makes me want to just fucken bash her fat assed face in. Sometimes I really hate her. She makes me feel so bad, like shit and when we get into it I have to come down here and hurt myself. And the fucked up thing is she is allowed to get away with treating me like shit but I can't return the faver? What ever!

I hate living here I hate myself I hate my life.


Current Mood: discontent
2:37 am
Offline Journal posting for 06 - 09 June 2003
0

Monday, 09 June 2003

Todays Goals:
Update Journal
Post latest journal to support group
Finish laundry
Try once again to get hold of Tina
Goals Met:
Updated journal
At The Present:
Present Mood
Anoyed
Presently Listening to:
Techno: DJ Scribble Tetris Remix 99, Ben Folds and Nickel Creek, odd mix eh?
Presently Eating/Drinking:
What else? Coke Classic

Thoughts on the Day:

It has been about four or five days since Ive had a chance to write in this thing and so much has happened that I want to talk about that I know this will be rather long To make it more structored, Ill go day by day and tell a little of everything I did or have thought about
I think Wednesday was the last entry I posted And as it is I dont remember Thursday at all, only that it rained a lot and I stayed in the house, Ill start with Friday

Friday 06 June 2003
I started what was to become a rather late day at the relitively late hour of noon. It was a lovely sunny day outside, not too hot, good walking weather. I harnessed Fleming and we walked the mile that is between my house and this fast food taco place I love. I just found out that they take Visa Check cards. For the longest time I did not know this so could only go up there on the odd days when I had real cash moneyThe lady behind the counter was really nice and asked where I had been, it had been a long time since I was last in. I got my lunch and Fleming and I had a nice walk home, for the most part.
Fleming wasnt as sharp with his guidework and kept wanting to walk all slow, or to lay down in harness or go off to stand in the grass and wag at the traffic or a number of things not condusive to proper comportment of a noble guide dog. Heh, noble, who am I kidding? This is a dog that sees the toilet as a never ending water despencary and cleans his own naughty bits in the company of others andfarts shamelessly and then has the nerve to look all pure and angelic whilst every living creature sharing a thousand mile radious is dying from being gased I think hes picked up this pundgent habbit from Larry, my boyfriend, or it could just be a bread in the bone trate among males of all kinds
When we returned home, I ate my lunch while listening to an afternoon talkshow called The Don and Mike Show. They broadcast on WJFK and are picked up by a local station, HotTalk KFH. This show is pretty cool. It isnt, so far as I could tell, about anything in particulre. Don and Mike just talk about whatever is going on and act all smartassed and its just really funny and I enjoy it. This may sound encredibally pethetic, but The Don and Mike Show, The Savage Nation and Love Line are the three radio programs I live for while here in Wichita Okay, there is other stuff, but those three shows are bright points in an otherwise fairly boring day here.
Around six Friday evening I rang Chelle and asked her if she wanted to go and hunt up some class of a dinner She said she did and I went down to her house sans Fleming. Appairrently Fleming was so miffed by this that he supposedly peed the floor in the basement But more on that later.we didnt set out for our quest for food straight away, rather, we sat out on the deck with Chelles husband who also is my friend, Billy. They smoked, and I drank a pepsi because Ive had a horrid time of having cotton mouth which makes it hard to talk without making those little smacking sounds old people make when they talk. Really gross!
Billy along with a few friends are going to open a gaming center and he was drawing up plans for what it is going to look like. They have the building, but it really needs heeps of work. He said he was going out there later in the evening to clean and I offered to help
Chelle and I wound up going to Spangels, a local fast food type place and then to Walgreens to pick up something for Billy. I also took the chance to buy some new deorderent since I have misplaced mine We ran into Chelles mom who works there and she went around the store with us. I nearly bought this expensive deorderent, until Chelles mom asked why I didnt have the 99 cent deordent. We asked if she could exchange the expensive for the on sale and she said no problem. I know this may sound odd, but Im rather fond of this sale deorderent and so Im glad it was on sale
We then went back to Chelles house and hung out in the basement.
My brother graduated from high school late last month, but I did not go because for one I was in Olathe, and for two, three and four, I dont like crowds, and there was a huge crowd, my folks wouldnt of let me take Fleming Their reasoning on this is I have them to guide me so theres no need for that dog to come and make a specktel of myself. Keep in mind these are the same exact parents who, almost daily point up they arent going to be around forever, that Ill never amount to anything and most likely will be commited to a home. Also high school graduations have got the most painfully boring, bullshit packed things in the history of forever. All that wistful roomanation on the innosent past, how wonderful it all has been adnd that sugery sweet candy coated yearning for the future, full of potential and possibility Bullshit, total bullshit plane and simple.
Chelle went though to see a co-worker of hers graduate and also to see my brother. She videotaped it and we watched the part where her friend and my brother, who as it turned out was right after her friend
Around half eight in the evening I went to fetch Fleming and Chelle, Fleming and I set off to the future site of the gamers quest
The building that houses the game center has been there for somewhere around 20 years and has been, for the most part one night club or other. Its last incarnation was something called Club Paradice and the owners of the club, who were unhappy that the owners of the building would not allow them to stay there totally trashed the place.
I have never in all my life seen such a disaster! Trash strewen about the floor, cast off clothes, kittylitter in the ladies lavatory, old tore up carpet that was supposed to have already been removed, broken glass everywhere behind the bar, some sticky substence that smelled like maple surip in puddels all over the gutted kitchen, heeps of, I think, sawdust, and a general state of disarae.
Chelle and I went out to buy cleaning items and liquid refreshment and then comenced to cleaning.
I pushed a bgig broom around the kitchen sweeping up heeps of garbage, Chelle mopped and Shane, one of Billys partners who Ive known for about six years tore up carpet while Billy did? Im not sure I think he tackeled the glass shattered on the floor Then all four of us spent a rediculess amount of time wipping down the bar its self with bleech water. It was funny! We all just stood in a line rubbing sponges soaked in bleech water around and around the bar in more or less the same place for a good long while That was one clean bar, I can tell ya!
Around 11ish we all started feeling hungry and called out to Pizza Hutand just as the pizza got there, so did another friend and co-worker of Chellesnamed Deanna and Don, yet another friend adnd business partner of Billys.
Also that evening Billy got his first call from a potentual custmer who had found information on a game website that had only been there a few short hours. Hopefully the center will be open by July which is when this potental custmer wants to hold some sort of big gamer event. I said Id help clean up as much as possible between now and the 19th which is when I next go to visit Larry in Olathe. In addition, I have a very nice job of sorts with the center and that is as webmaster of the centers site. Ill be responsible for everything from design to updating it. Billy gave it to me so, for one, Ill be able to show people my work if I should ever want to make sites for other people, and two because I like doing that kind of stuff and have the time to do it. I can work from home, or if I lug my laptop all over the place from Larrys.
Chelle, Deanna, Fleming and I left the center, around one in the morning and went to Dennys for girl talk and I returned home around half two in the morning I took a shower and went to bed.
Saturday, 07 June 203
Saturday dawned cloudy and gray and, as it turned out, would prove to be a horribly rotten day all in all.
It started out by being greeted with a list of infractions I appairently committed the day before. The first thing I hear from my dad was not good morning, but You didnt let the dog out and he peed the basement carpet Then the state of my room came under fire and my latenight shower I think a lot of our fights are due to poor communation skills both on the part of my parents and of myself. My dad thinks hes right about every god damned thing under the sun and will out shout you so he wont have to listen. Both my parents hate having to make things I dont understand clear and tell me to stop acting stupid. Its frustrating and makes me angry. They just dont under-fucking-stand a God damned thing.about why I am the way I am.
One thing that was wrong with my room is I had laundry that neede washing but my wash day is normally Monday and I was trying to understand what, exactly, I was supposed to do and my dad wouldnt say, clean up everything around the laundry, or go start your laundryNo he said I was arguing amd making up excuses and shit and that I was being stupid After like fifteen minutes of going round and round he finally told me that no one was going to need the washer all day so I could wash my clothes. If he had just fucken said that in the first goddamned place we could of got along a fuck of a lot better.
I went down here to find we had no soap with which to do laundry and I called up to dad that we needed more soap.
I then called Chelle and told her I couldnt go out to help Billy or Shane today because I had to clean my room and clothes and while I was on the phone my mom bursts in, dont even knock and shouts at me like Im a stupid simple minded ass. Jen-ney! The! Laun-dry soap! Is! In! the! Laun-dry! Room! Then turns and slams my door behind her.
This really fucking pissed me all the fuck off and triggered me into going stern, which is Larry and mines privite language for when my strongest most outspoken, hot tempered protecter alter, Jenny Stern comes out and presents to the world.
I go up stairs, brooding all the way and demand an explnation for what the fuck just happened. I remember this because most of the time Im co-conciouse of whats going on, it just is like Im seeing things from miles and miles away.
Turns out mom was pissed because she had to get soap down here and put it in the laundry room and thought I was to fucking dumb to figure out, hey, theres a box here with powder in it where there was no box before
Then, later on down the day I get yelled at because I went to put something on a shelf in the kitchen and misjudged the distence and missed the shelf altogether. Threts of the home came out and I retreated to my room.
I kinda hurt myself Not with sisers, I just pinched myself and slaped my own face and cryed. Why do I do these things? At the time its like something within me, stronger even then Stern takes over my body and mind. Its like all the abuse my ex gave me and every kick or blow I received as a girl is composed into this red and black blinding rage aginst myself, because I feel like I deserve it. It isnt like cutting, thats to feel and to let out pressure. Well this sorta lets off pressure but more than that I think its punishment for me being such a big looser at everything and being such a failure at life.
Larry asked me at one time if Id ever do anything to hurt other people when things were bad. And I truthly told him no, that my rage and frustration at the world and everything and everyone in it would most likely focus in on myself.
Later, yesterday evening,I nearly killed myself by falling several steps going down to the basement because my mom had a massive amount of shit, dirty clothes piled igh, I grumped out loud God Damnit, someone could twist an ancle on this shit. My mom yelled at me that that was the only place to put the laundry.. Not true, we have a huge basement and I told her she needed to maybe find a better place for the laundry or someone could get hurt. Then we got in some fight about something and I tried to do whtat my therp, well she isnt who Im going to be seeing, shes the drug person, suggested, just walk away. I told my mom Im done talking to you right now, Im going into my room now befroe I get really pissed off and say something I dont mean. But let me go she would not she kept just going and going like some demonicly possesed Energiser bunny.
What it finally came down to was she sorta was being to my mind, spiteful and just I donno, going on So were so bad for you huh? like I was lying to everyone and making all this up.
I spent the rest of the night in my room.
Sunday,08 June 2003
Today, was a better day because for most of it, I was left alone. I read this book I bought Friday called Andersonville Dirary A True Account about some guy in the civil war. I finished another book I bought Friday called Icey Sparks about a girl growing up in the 50s in Kentuckey that has Terets Syndrome and who is shunned by everyone but her grandparents and a few friends, especially Ms. Emmaley who is really really fat. She finally gains acptence in the town when she, her grandma and her friend go to a tent revivle and she starts singing. She sung with all five of the towns churches in a 4th of July celebration and made a lot of friends because of it. It was a really good story
Fleming and I went on a walk to the store to get nail clippers, and I wound up getting some coke and some chocolaate and shaving fome.
When dinner time rolled around, I was too sleepy and not hungry to eat and my dad said I could eat later, that the bergers would bi in the frige. I crash between half seven til about fifteen past nine and wander up to the kitchen. I thought people were home because all the lights in the kitchen were on andd three or four TVs blairing away, but no one was home. I could smell the hambergers, even the onion that went with them, and I hunted around in the fridge for a lon g while, all the time not finding any sign of a berger, just a grate lot of coverd bowls that I was unsure of opening, unmindful about what might be inside, if it would spill all over the place or if It had gone ripe.
The Fam came home and I inquired about the location of the bergers. God dam it My dad said making a noise, part discust, part of, Why is my daughter so stupid?
where did you look? he asked.
Well in the fridge. I said.
Dad opened the door and fained shock and awe at finding, on the top shelf, the bergers. I had looked all over that top shelf with nary a berger to be found. The reason? Stupid fucking me, how dumb I was for thinking the bergers would be in some lodgical thing like say, a ziplock freezer bag, or a plate, these bergers, defying all earthly logic were hold up in a bowl! A fucking bowl! Who in they right mind would put hambergers in a bowl? And this isnt the only time shit wlike this has gone down.
The fridge, much like the baskets of laundry stern about the floor is a hot butten topic for me and the Fam.
They must think Im a mind reader, or David copperfield, or Pen and Teller or Ms. Cleio or some fucked up thing and should automatically know where everything is, and what everything is in the fridge. Without them saying a thing, and acting all pissy and pt out if I ask where something is.
Also, at times like these threts of the home get dragged out, or a fight will insue, a battle of who can shout the louderThey ask what Im going to do when they are gone, that Ill never amount to anything and be a burden on everyone Yet this is the same people who will not show me how to do stuff, stuff I had once known how to do but have blocked from memory becauseOf the past And even if I told them about the past I have not but if I ever did Theyd just not understand They wont let me near the stove and when I ask if I can help cook Im told run along, all the while my brother and sister are tought to cook, and the fam dont shout at them none, its like Ive traded places with a child sometimes And that makes me feel little, stupid and worthless
When it came time to take my pill I had to take the blister sheet up to my mother to ask her if there was just the one left, so I could start my new box tomorrow. See one of the blisters felt like it was still unpushed, well there were two, the one holding the pill and another that had held a pill..
She wanted to know what I was taking and I went to fetch the box and on my way back up I overheard mother and my sister talking about me. Saying something to the effect that I was slovenly and smelled bad and all kinds of shit like that I tried to explain that sometimes, for some people suffering mental illness it was hard to give a flying football about things, everything. I said that some days I was doing good to get out of the bed and my mother said I could so control that and would nt hear me out saying I had nothing to wine about because she works two jobs and blah blah. And they both treated me like I was less than my age and it was very frustrating! I went slightly stern and turned on them You dont understand what its like to have voices in your head! Or to feel split and not in control, what its like to fake it so far for so long that you get to the point you can hide things very well, to feel numb aginst the world, to quietly rust to a halt in your ability to think, to look out into the world with bewildered pain filled honted eyes Looking out into the world, only seeingyour world laying in distruction, dreams always going up in smoke, dreams shattered and laying on the groundAnd I hope to God nither one of you ever gets as sick as I am, it isnt fun! They called after me and I told them I was done talking and went down here to my room.
Looking back over this journal I see I have neglected three key things. Wednesdays events, th wireless phone that set off world war three, or have we already had that in real life? And an update on what the meds are doing
Wednesday all in all was a grand day. I had set out to walk to the taco place I had mentiond above when Billy pulls up along side me in his car. We stop and gab for a little bit, then Chelle comes up in her car and asked me if I wanted to go with her to WalMart. I did, then after that we went to lunch. Well, at WalMart I bought a new set of suit cases, for thirty dollars and they are really nice there Is a big giant one with wheels and a tellescopic handel, a smaller duffel type bag with a retractable handel and a good sized bag for putting shampoo or whatever. I can fit all my toilet needs int this bag. I was quite pleased with myself Later on that same day Fleming and I walked up to Dillons, thats the food market near our house. All in all, not a bad day as I said.e
Now, for the wireless war. Last night about half eleven after not seeing Larry online, I went to ask if I could ring him on the phone, and natch Id pay for the call. Larry has had his internet service cut off because he didnt have the money for to make the bill and said if I didnt see him online that was what had happened. My rational mind told me this is what happened, and in fact was the case, but the troubled frightened person inside just fretted that something bad had happened and I was in a panic, a really bad one. I live with a constent nagging fear that Ill lose the people who matter the most to me, because its happened time and time again. Rather than staying present, I freeze and emerce myself in sadness of the impending loss. And I dont know why.
At first my mom and I fought over the time it was, nevermind I knew Larry was still up and that he had said call then we fought over money used to place the call and finally she told me to get my dads wireless. I did, but had no clue at all how to use it. And mom got all pissed because she had to show me.
Dad had come puffing out of the bedroom and asked what was going on and mother explained, then I got yelled at in sterio And yet again the home was dragged out, all because I wanted to make a short, very short call that I was perfectly willing to pay for out of my own money.
I tried several times to get the call to go through but was met with a message that said allverisen curcets were busy, or, more often, your call could not go through as dialed
I took this massivily complex hunk of plastic called a wireless up to have mother look it over and this pissed her off more, and also my dad. They both tried getting the call to go through and met the same problem I had.
My dad, who lets not forget, said Larrys phone must have been shut off, wich isnt the case because if it had been it would be saying you have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service. But I was full of sht and didnt know anything
I told them that it was a problem on their end and could I use the land line to ring him. That one doesnt have all the problems of the wirelesses and I could use my own phone that I knew better but no And by this time I was in full blown panic mode, shaking and crying, stomach in knots I came back down, and as luck would have it, my friend Nay-Nay was on AIM. I asked her if she could do a mega fave since she had unlimited long distenc and three way me to Larry. She did, and he was alright. Which was very good news for me.
Larry and I desided that rather than wait til 21 June Id come two days sooner, on the 19th So I only have ten more days here and I can hardly wait!

Now for meds.

Ive finished the first seven pills and will start on the new box of seven tomorrow night. I dont know. Sometimes it makes me calm but it doesnt quiet all the voices in my head, sometimes I can think more clearly and sometimes I cant. My breething hasnt improved, in fact it might be slightly worse. I find that my trecks up the mile to the store, leaves me with a tight chest and weezing all over the place This is perfect I am turning into an old person before my time, Ive got grey hairs, my face has a hint of wrinkles, my mouth makes that gross smacking sound, due to cotton mouth, my eyesight is shite and I have nary a clue what the hell is going on with al this music and skiny toothpick girls mir children if you will, flont they stuff all over the place shamelessly! Also Ive said When I was your age or Back in my day I have back pain, heartburnand stiffness in my hands, and knees and sevrl other places. And I have a short term memory because I forgot what the hell Im attempting to say!e
I still have vivid confusing dreams, and Im hungry all the time And there was more I had planned to write, but Im sleepy now and will go to bed. I think Ill post this, then later make a secondary entry for the day since I was horrid in my neglect to write.

Out: Current date :6:40Tue
2:35 am
Offline Journal posting for Tuesday 04 June 2003

0

Tuesday, 03 June 2003 12:15

Todays Goals:
1.Write in this journal
2.Take Fleming on a walk
3.Take my pill at 21:15
4.Check Email for Tinas response, and Email her back.
Goals met:
1. writ in journal
2. Checked to see if Tina has writen back. She
hasnt, nor did I have any luck reaching her va phone. Will try again tomorrow.
3.
L Did not take Fleming
on a walk today. It was cloudy looking all
day and I have felt too foggy headed to work
him properly and safely, so like trying to get hold of my V.R. Worker, Tina, I will pass this goal off to tomorrows list of things to do.
At the present

Present mood:
In a fog.

Currently listening to:
Court TV (noon)
Nothing reallyCourt TV still on but not paying
mind to it. (16:05)

Currently Eating/Drinking:
1 Turkey Pot Pie.
1 cup of soup
Coke (noon)
Nothing (16:08)

Thoughts on the day:
(Noon)I took my first pill at 15 past 9 yesterday evening and was awake til 3 this morning! I started feeling oddly around half 10 or 11. I fear I may have upset Larry. Damned text not showing voice inflection and such. He was going to go to price chopper, a friend of his was coming to take him I was fussen at my website. He was playing pool or something and I was doing my website and we were talking to eachother at the same time.
I was a little upset at him going, well annoyed maybe would be the better word because we had not really said a lot. And he was going to take some sleeping pills and go to bed because he hadnt been sleeping very good and had been waking up with head aches When he explained that, I was fine. As in okay fine, thats cool.
He kept saying hed try to be on and see if I was on in the afternoon, but I cant get online in the afternoon because my sister hoggs the line all day. And I told him this. And then he said some other stuff about if he couldnt sleep hed come on and see if I was around and other stuff. All the while I was trying to figure out why my website wasnt publishing, something very frustrating. And I was like fine to all his messages. I wasnt mad at him. I just was feeling kind of strange and was annoyed at the website. But when I went to say I loved him, he had gone. It didnt occure to me that maybe he wasnt mad or hurt or whatever, maybe his friend had showed up and thats why he left. At any rate, I Emailed him about it and told him I wasnt mad, not at him and I hope he isnt mad either. I dont think he would be, hes pretty understanding and we havent ever gotten into a huge fight over anything so maybe it was he had to go.
I sat around, half expecting to feel some feeling I knew Like when a sleeping pill kicks in, how you feel all heavy, but I kept not feeling it. How I did feel, the odd feeling was like everything in my mind had been stuffed down and piled over with fluffy cotton. Even when I was annoyed at Larr and the website it wasnt as sharp as normal. I couldnt sleep though so I did some Email and finished the nights work on my website. I finally feel a sleep at around half three this morning and awoke around 15 til six, 5 til 8, 15 til 11 and shortly after noon. A total of about 9 hours! As aposed to the 4 I had got the night before. That might sound all good and everything but really? It wasnt because I had the most horrible dreams, more horrid than what I normally have and I woke up feeling really foggy and drousy, still do. And I slept hard too my back and shoulders and neck hurt and I drewled! In my sleep! There are three dreams I had and I will explain them below. I know, I know Im not supposed to write war and peace but this is important.

Dream #1:
It was Christmas time and for some reason Larry was driving this car. I dont know whos car it was, but I never seen it before, it was like a minivan or something. And I was there too. Where were we? At Matts folks house in Illinois. All my family, the ones who had died, like granny, and both my grandmas, were alive and well and yucking it up with Matts folks and his grandparents and for some reason I was there trying to get something, some things, that in real life, I had left up there.
Matts folks were nice to me but it was that fake nice, that nice you could tell they were frontin because they didnt want to act out around guests. I had to get out before Matt got home.
I finally wound up going out to the van and sitting and I overheard Matt and his family tear me down I dont know where my grandmas and granny went but they were gone. I remember this other group of people doing something in this river by Matts folks house, some weird church thing but it was weird because there was snow, but it felt humid and the river was this muddy brown, tannish color.
Well we finally, Larry and I get back into this van and go. I cant tell if this was part of the same dream or another dream but we went or were at this hotel place. There was two rooms joined together by a door and we were in the back room. You know, doing things and then there was bubba, one of Larrys friends in real life. Bubba is cool. Anyway Bubba was yelling at one of the hotel people because of Something I think they had a problem about me and Larry being sight impaired or some stupid thing. All of a sudden Bubba pops into this bedroom Larry and I are in. and well. I dont remember what happened except that Bubba kept giving Larry shit about doin it.
Okay not an upsetting dream, not like these next two but still a bit fretful because of Matt.

Dream #2
Larry and I were at an airport, sans Fleming. There were long lines but people were going all over, no security checks, no nothing really, not like they show on the news now. And I was kinda like, uh this isnt cool
Larry and I were breezed by all this line of people and I got on the plane with him and we sat down. And I was really fearful, because I have never been a huge fan of flying, especially now.
I remember Larry putting his arm around me and the plane taking off, and then I saw where we were. New York City. I saw the clear blue sky. I saw the sea we were flying out over, and then. I saw the twin towers. No no this cant be right the twin towers are gone. I remember saying. Then the plane lurtched and sped up and we were flying fast and low. I could see out the window of the plane, buildings where there should be wide open clouds. People around me were screeming or crying quietly, people were praying. I saw on my left the tall black and white striped side of one of the WTC buildings, we flew around it in a half circle. I asked, in a near panic what the date was and Larry said, that it was the 11th of September, 2001. We held each other tightly as the world erupted in flame and black nothingness around us.
When I woke up from this dream, I couldnt at first move or see clearly where I was. I tried to move but couldnt for a number of seconds

Dream #3:
This is perhaps the most upsetting dream of all. First of all I wasnt the me that takes on the real world. I was me but in someone elses body.

It was a bright and sunny day at a beech, in an eastern sead bord town I do not know the name of, one I have never in my life seen. A young family, a mom and a dad and a small girl were walking along as the surf broke over the sand. The dad, tall, dark haired, neat short trimed hair, dark tan, harry pot belly built of ham and evenings spent infront of the TV sucking down beer, collar of his pressed button down shirt ascue, top three buttons undone and necktie pulled halfway down. A white collar man, maybe a social worker or some government drone for the city social services, from 9 to 5, a ESPN fan the rest of the time. The mom, a young trendy socker mom. PTA all the way, sack lunches always ready by the door. Shopping in the mornings, coffee with the girls every afternoon. Room mother, field trip shaparone Always. Her high school good looks faiding into nothing, but you could tell they were still there. A little bit over wait but still attractive in a one piece Janson. Long sun bleeched hair blowing in the wind

And the little girl, around 8. Dark hair in pigtails, bright green bathing suit dotted with green dark frogs. Large dark eyes taking in everything, squeeling with delight when she was swooped up by daddy, held up above the sand and surf and spun round and round. And from the distance, taking this all in as I was, a dark wirery shadow. A slim dirty scruffy child about 15 years old. Cold blue eyes, stringy dark hair tied back by a rubber band. Dirty face, could pass for 11 or 12.

She slunk down the beech as the family charcoled bergers on the sand.

Excuse me I am lost, my mommy and daddy got into a big fight and left me here. Ive been here for three days and am sooooooo hungry Can you give me fifty cents? So I can go get something out of the candy machine up there on the board walk? this child asked in the high clear voice of one just entering her eleventh year, rather than nearly 16.

Oh Honey, you poor dear. The mom said. Steve she continued, turning pleading blue green eyes on her husband, decked out in a Kiss the Cheff apron. Cant we share our lunch with this poor little girl? Take her home with us and then, tomorrow maybe you can help find her a place to stay til her family Is found?

Yes. Steve said. I think we could do that.

He squoted down, to be at the girls eye level.

Whats your name little girl? he asked in a soft kind voice.

UmItsLisa Lisa SteinbernSteinbern. Uh. The dirty ragamuffin said, around a dirty thumb stuck in her mouth.

Well Lisa, my name is Steve. This nice lady is Ellen, shes my wife and Emma, is our daughter, thats her way down there by the waves. Shes aboutyour ageShes 8.

Im 11. Lisa said pointing at her puffed out chest. Not 8.

The afternoon passed quietly enough, Lisa and Emma stiffly playing together, Steve and Ellen laying out, holding hands. Then, around 5 the small family Packed up their beech gear and headed into town for crab cakes at a seaside restrtrunt. Steve and Ellen sat in one side of the tall old creeking leather booth seat as the girls, Emma on the inside, and Lisa on the outside clambered into the other.

Okay honey. What would you like to Ellem started to ask her young daughter, who was then in the last seconds of her young life.

Lisa had crept out of the booth and over to a empty table still cluttered with dishes. She grabbed a napkin and then, with the napkin in her hand, she picked up a steak knife and , stuffing it into the waistband of her beech pants, made her way back over to the table.

IumI thought I saw my mommy and daddyOutside she explained when questened by Steve where she had went. He couldnt see where she had went and Ellen was too busy reading the menu to Emma.

Suddenly, Emma shrieked and pitched forward, , blood gushing from the back of her neck. Lisa had moved quickly, unseen, sticking the girl and withdrawing the knife. Ellen shrieked.
Emma! Emma! and as she leaned across the table to see her daughter, Lisa drove the knife into the young womans neck. Then she threw the pot of hot coffee in Steves face. For some reason, and dreams are always like this full of things that wouldnt happen in real life, Lisa crept out of the restraut under the cover of darkness and the sheer chosse that had come as a result of the stabbings

The time is now two years later. The daughter laid to rest. The husband and wife trying to make a new start in a west coast town somewhere in Northern California.

The Sceen, an apartment complex, two stories of buildings in a square, facing inword to form a dubble laired court yard. The one below in cool shade, with flights of wooden steps leading up to the board decking that connected the upper apartments together. The apartments both above and below sat on the edge of this decking and all faced eachother with this wide decking serving as a sort of commens. Large windows were predomnite, view, view, view, was the name of the game

The me, in the dream walked up to one of the lower level units and was about to knock on the door when I noticed it pushed open, which was odd. I let myself in and called out into the evening gloom that was pressing in from all sides. The TV blaired on to an empty living room. The smell of spoiled food drifted in from the kitchen, spoiled food and Some other, much more cinister smell and something more? The humming drone of insects, of flies Sounds so out of place in this cool tile clean house of my friends that at first I couldnt place it. Flies? That sound was more at home in a garbage dumpster on a hot July day, which today, had beenBut And then? I saw what at first my mind told me could not be.

Sprolled on the floor was the body of my friend, now remember this is a dream and I wasnt the me in real life so this friend is nothing to me so far as I know I have no clue who this person is or is supposed to be.

She had been cooking dinner when the attack happened. Hamberger, that was what the spoiled food smell had been She had been taken from behind, her neck slashed Much like Ellens neck had been slashed in that place years and miles away. It was pretty bad and the flies. Ah better not to think of them But the worst was yet to come. I walked down the hall, to the bedrooms of the children. They too had been murdered, but their killer had put them in bed so from my vantage point it looked as if they were just sleeping That is if you ignored the flies

Then in the babies room, some other form of life, other than the flies In the blood spattered mess of the babies room, in the floor sat, a small girl, rocking back and forth, holding the wrapped up body of the baby, who had met the same fate as the rest of its family. A small girl, skinny, dirty dark hair tied back with a rubber band, cold ice blue eyes

What are you doing? Lisa? I asked.

She slowly looked up in a daze.

I have a family now Lisa said, as if she was talking over the weather.
A family that cant fight or run away from me But now you found me and theyll take my family away and I cant have that.. she said.

I backed away from the door as the young woman, who could pass for a child advanced twords me.

First, I was taken away from my mother and father when I was six because they shot up on drugs and I went into foster homes Those damned homes were worse than life with dear old mom and dad. I was just a whore or a punching bag For eight years, then I ran away Met this guy, he was like old, like 40 but he gave me a place to stay and gave me money for Nevermind I got a baby from it but was so huked on drugs that they took him from me right after he was had. And the babies daddy? Well he got kilt in some drug bust.

Well I was not down with loosing two families and I tracked down the son of a bitch who took my second family away And thats how I found Steve. Good old Steve and Emma and Ellen. I watched them for a while. Lookin in their windows n shit and followed em to that beech And well you know the rest. I seen you, bitch, up the beech from us, watchin us You and that man you wif, still wif him? Not fo long if you is coz I cant let you go I seen you two at that restrant too. And now? Here we is

Lisa, you cant I started to say.

Too late I already did. I gots my family. My momma back, my daddy he dead, but I got two little brothers and a baby sista, and now they aint goin no wheres, ever again. Just like you. She put the child down in the crib and lundged at me slashing my arm with a bloodied knife.

No! I shreaked. Trying to push this wiry crazed woman off me.
No! Stop!

Again she slashed, cutting my face and hand as we progressed up the hall I staggered into the kitchen and slipped in a pudel on the floor I pulled myself up near the stove and grabbed the frying pan filled with spoiled food My friend didnt even get to turn on the fire below Lisa came into the kitchen and I picked up the heavy pan with my uninjured hand and swong with all my might. She got a face full of food and then there was a horrid cruntching sound as her jaw or maybe her nose broke as she crumpeled to the ground.

I ran outside, leaving her shreaking in the house. It sounded like a beast in there. I ran next door and dashed into the open door The lights and TV was on, and that same stench of death hung in the air I passed by an open bedroom door and cought a flash of carnage, but I didnt stop to look. I found a phone and knocked it off the hook and tried to punch in 9-1-1 but the line was dead.

I ran up a flight of stairs the white pealing paint of the railing cutting deeper into the womd left by Lisas knife.

Help me! Help me! You gotta help me! I ghasped. The world was faiding fast around me, I was loosing a lot of blood I found another empty apartment, no dead people, thank God, just left, as if the people who had lived there had just vanished in the middle of the day. I found a bright yellow rodery phone, that its self was dead. Then I ran next door and weakly beat my fists aginst the glass as I sank to my knees.

The door opened and Steve stood there. His shock quite appairent on his face.

He yanked me inside as I shreaked, keep her away from me keep her away! Shes trying to kill me! I saw her, and your family on that beech two years ago She isnt who she says. She isnt Lisa, she isnt even 12 like she said, keep her away! Call the cops! I cried

Everythings going to be okayEverythings going to be okay. You are safe Steve said as he dialed his wireless. Ellen, a nasty scar twisting down the side of her face and neck started to do what she could for my injuries And then I surfaced into waking

I was me again. I was in an upstairs bedroom in a house, that I knew I should know. Larry sitting on the edge of the bed beside me pulling on socks and shoesGood morning sleepyhead. He said Ready to go to the beech? I was thinking we could take a picknick lunch and then have dinner at that little place on the board walk, I hear the crab cakes are really good this time of year
This is the end of the description of the dreams.

I awoke with a jerk. Really awake in the real world, my small basement room just as it always is, rather shaken by the three dreams I had had.

Jesus That sure is one hell of a drug I tried to stand up and was shakey on my feet. The whole world seemed, still seems off kilter
I still have a head ache
And I feel so tired. I guess this medication is working, because the others dont seem as loud today and I can think, at times more clearly but I hope these dreams arent a nightly thing God

Im going to go work on my webpage now as a reward for writing this bit in my journal Sorry it was so long but I had to explain these strange dreams I had last night.

Out: Curent date: 14:56

In Curent date: 16:24

FRUSTRATION!!! Oh my God I am rather put out with the computer right now because it did a very bad thing. After signing off on my journal earlier I restarted my computer but when it restarted it said something about how it could not boot up because of some file or something? Well I managed after nearly two hours of messing around with restore disks to rescue my computer and all my settings seem to be intacked. And everything seems to work exsept for three programs. Audible, which keeps saying I need to regester my player and Otis, FrontPage2002 and OfficeXP Pro and Photoshop 7. . AAAAARG! It means I gotta go and reinstall all this crap againWhat a pain in the ass! Oh well, it shouldnt be too bad, and it could have been a lot worse I could of lost everything which would of ment six or seven hours of reinstalling every bloody thing as aposed to the two hours I just spent and the maybe, hour or so it will take to fix the above programs.

All this means Is I will not be able to update my website for a few days Oh well, no biggy. But still Arrrrrrrrrrrrg! As far as I can tell though everything else works and thats good. Im thrilled

I cant think of anything else to say for now so I think Im going to go. To do what? Im not sure, maybe go up to the store again and buy a Coke Naaah, it looks like it is going to storm
Out: Current Date: 16:14
IN Current Date 23:49

I really do not like how this medication is making me feel
All day Ive felt dizy and foggyheaded and had trouble catching my breth. I dont know if I should give it more time to work or if I should call and tell the people tomorrow. Ill give it one more night and if I have really bad dreams and dont feel better by tomorrow Then Ill call.
2:33 am
Offline Journal Post for 03 June 2003
Monday, 02 June 2003 18:56

Todays Goals:
1.Call or E-mail Tina to tell her about new meds ect.
2.Start Journal
3.Remember to take meds (one pill at night)

Goals met:
1. Called Tina, did not get answer so
E-mailed her at 13:47. Havent checked E-mail yet
to see if she got back with me (18:00 curent time)

2. Started this journal. Will pugblish it on website
soon.
3. Took first pill at 21:15


At the present

Present mood:
A wee bit frustrated because I am working on my website and can not get the background to show through. I used to know how to fix this, but Ive forgot. Im sure its something really simple a setting in my web browser or in my screen reader. Ill ask Billy or Shane. They might know. Other than that? Just kinda blah.

Currently listening to:
Techno on the computer, Hot Talk KFH 98.7

Currently Eating/Drinking:
Tea. Had Spangels for lunch. Not hungry now

Thoughts on the day:
I can not figure out this webpage problem with the background not showing up! I am also board with fussen with it, so Im going to go for a walk with Fleming.

This morning Chelle took me to my med meeting. Ive got a 2-week pack of 0.5mg of Risperdol. Its supposed to help calm me down, and help with the voices. Im still worried about the breathing problems Ive had, but I guess we gotta get the panic attacks under control to see if they, the attacks, are the cause or if its something else.
Carrie, the lady I saw today for the meds is very nice and I like her. She didnt cause me to go stern but when we first got there I sure almost did! Some stupid paperwork some something but Chelle helped me with everything. She also went in with me because I was really afraid And its a good thing she did because she was able to lend an outsiders look to things and she was really helpful in explaining about a lot of my past crap that I dont remember so well.
After we finished at the office, oh I go back on next Thurs. 11 June at 10:45 to check in on meds and stuff. Anyway we went to lunch and had a good talk about a lot of things. I have a lot to think about. And I think Im going to go do that now before it gets too dark to go out to the store.
Oh before I go Looks like I will get to go up to Olathe after all! Dad has said I could give him $125 for rent. Yessssssss!

Homework 1: List of good things about myself

LOOKS:
I like my hair, its not short and ugly anymore.
I have an okay face, it isnt as ugly as I make it
out to be.
I have an okay figure, Im not such a fat ass.

PERSONALITY:
Im smart about a lot of things.
I can be funny as in both haw-haw and strange.
Im loving and a good friend
I work with Fleming really well.
I have a interesting outlook on life.
Despite popular thought I AM fairly openminded to
many things.
I am very opinionated on a lot of things.

Talent:
Im pretty good at web design and grafx stuff.
I am creative.
I have talent on guitar and in music.
I write very well.
I pick up on things quickly, like computer skills.
When I have done broadcasts online, after I get over the shyness of OMG Im on da air! Im really really good.
I know how to find a lot of info online like how to look up people and a lot of research type stuff.
A lot of things interest me and I try and learn as much as I can about many things.
I do good layout (as in newspaper work)
Im a good journalist.
I know a lot about access teck and how to show others how to use it.
Im good in English, Speech and Creative writing.

Why do my friends like being around me?

They do it for da doggie! Naah really. Um. I donno. Im funny and nice and can be outgoing and friendly and I listen to when they have problems and try to help if I can or just listen if I cant. And Im cute! So there!

Other things I like about myself:

I personally like how I dress. I know, its kinda not my age but when I was younger, my mom wouldnt let me dress up cute. So I love my tie-dye and my sandels (WITH SOCKS). My Army Green shirts, and doo-rags, my silver jewelry, and my garnet neckless, my long baggy pull over shirts and hoodie, my boots and my sk8r shoes. And my glasses, eventhough they dont work all that good, they look cute and they make my eyes not look so lil.

I like my non-conformest, conserviative outlook on life and if yall dont like it? Too bad! Hah!
2:30 am
Offline Journal entry 25 May 2003
May 2003

Sunday, 25 May, 2003


We lay sciently in the bed in the early morning darkness, spent from
conversation having said everything that there was to be say.
Beside me Larry was trying to find sleep, and there I was,beside him
trying to find... What exactly? Peace? Answers? Reasons why?

I lay on my back stairing up through the blackness, not seeing
anything, light or shadows... Stairing off into the distence, into
my long and troubled past and into an uncerten future. my mind
racing, as it always will, with questions, questions endless
questions.

I bolted upright, fighting to breeth normally. That creeping,
choking feeling was falling on me, settleing on my chest like a
poisenis led blanket. My lungs hurt, as they tried to process air
that had magicly taken on the consistency of a thick milkshake.
Everything was starting to go gray and swimmy as a cry jammed in my
throt, stuck, unable to come out.

I sat crosslegged, inden style they had called it in my dem long ago
kinder garden classes... Mrs. Townsen calling everyone over to the
circle... "Alright boys and girls, lets go and sit in the
circle..." The black circle on the white floor, each child having a
number in that circle to him or her self, the circle that denoted
acceptence, that you belonged... That pencle and crayon and
playground dust smell... One of my oldest memories...One of my
clearest memories... Back before a time... When I was whole, and
the world wasn't so... Back when I had nothing to explain...

I sat there in the bed, for God only knows how long, a minute, five
minutes? I didn't know, elbows on my knees, head in my hands, crying
wordlessly, soundlessly... A warm gentel hand, Larry's hand touched
my back.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
"No... I can't breeth..." I said...
He rubbed my back and finally my breth came easier and he pulled me
to him... He held me close to him, trying to ease my saddness... I
turned for a moment in his arms, laying on my stomach I looked at
him, streetlights shining in through the half opened shades, casting
lines on my tear streeked face.
"I'm sorry," I said in a tear choked voice. "that things have to be
dificult..."

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry! Sorry that everything has to be
so dificult, that I have such a broken mind. Sometimes I wish the
damned thing would just shatter altogether, leaving me unable to feel
anything... Sometimes I think feeling nothing at all would be better
than feeling everything so sharply... I just wanna be sudated!
Then there are the times where I really can't feel anything at all.
Endless days of gray streching out for ever and ever and...
Sometimes it gets so bad that I have the erge to cut myself, to see
if I still feel, to see a color other than gray gray gray.

I hate this! Hate this! Hate this! This feeling I've lived with
for so long... The feeling that sometimes I'm yanked out of the
pilot's seat and demoted to co-pilot. While some other takes over.
It's weird, it isn't like Billy Milligan or the three faces of Eve.
I've never told anyone my name was anything other than my true name,
I've never woken up in, say, St. Louis, with no idea how I got
there... But there are times, that to me, the me of the here and
now, that I view through the shimmering shifting shades of waking
dreams... People will tell me that I said or did something I can
hardly remember...Or there will be whole chunks of time that are just
blank, totally gone. I have such a hard time remembering things
Simple things I have done a hundred times... I'll go to do something
and just totally freeze. Or I'll do things that I just do not
remember learning how to do. Like unlocking some hidden memories of
how to do something. Am I making this clear? Am I loosing my mind?
What the hell is wrong with me!

I think I know... These feelings go way past the depression and PTSD
that I already know I have.. I think I know, Larry and Lil Eva both
have pointed up that some times, my personality shifts and it's like
I'm someone else, but still within myself. If you didn't know me
well, and weren't tuned into how I am most of the time, Larry said.
You'd just think I was in a really bad mood or in some other mood...
Larry and Corben both say that I "change game faces really quickly"
and two professionals have said that what this is, is a disasocitive
disorder... I think I know... But I don't want to admit this. I
think I know that what I have is D I D. yet there is a part of my
mind that sounds quite sane...

"No no... You aren't crazy... You are not Cybell... You are just
making a big deal out of nothing. Oh My God! You are such a drama
queen! Get over yourself... You want the world to think you are
crazy? If anyone ever found out you were multiple... That would
totally distroy any chances of you getting a radio broadcasting job.
You already have this being blind thing thing that is gonna make it
harder to get a job and you don't need to be going around throwing
this "three faces of Eve shit on top of it..."

I'm so lucky to have Larry. To have his love and support and
friendship. For all his frustrating ways, being so even temppered
that it's maddening at times, and despite all the corney shows he
likes on TV and him hogging the bed and snorring... Honestly, I tell
you I don't know who snors loudly, him or his Pug... And the pug
loves to lay on one side of me, and Larr on the other so I get
snorring and snorting in soround sound. But despite all this? I
think that I'm so lucky to be loved and accepted by such a wonderful
man... He's trying to understand all this, and trying to help me and
he doesn't think I'm crazy.

I've explained bit by bit about everything, all about depression,
which he understands from his own life, and the feelings of wanting
to cut myself to se e if I still feel. He doesn't run, like all the
other guys I've become close too...When I start to slip away, he can
most of the time bring me around, keep me present and for the times
he can't? He just lets me be. This might sound dumb but for me
taking a shower helps bring me back from beyond the beyond. And when
I am stuck. When it seems like one of the others is driving the bus,
he seems to know who... and knows how to get through to the other,
whoever it is...

This just all seems so strange... I've read that this D I D or MPD
or whatever you want to call it is really a very high end servival
tool, that it isn't bad, like the media would have you beleive, but
because of how "crazy", for lack of a better word, people are shown
on TV and books and the news, that that these feelings of "No, it's
gotta be something else..." are normal.
Heh, I'm really in a bad way because the way blind people are shown
on TV or in books or in the movies isn't much better... We're either
superman or super dumb. All powerful or totally helpless. I'll be
honest here folks. That's not me. That's not any of my blind
friends. We are just like everyone else, putting on our pants one
leg at a time, with the same hopes and dreams, the same goods and
bads that everyone has, and I think that people with D I D are the
same. I mean I am... Or should I say we are...

I know I've said that I hate this, this feelings of "otherness" and I
do, I hate it because I don't understand it. And there are things
about myself, about this I can't put a name on... If I can hang a
name on something, put a face to it I can figure out how to deal with
it... But... This? On the other hand... I like this in some ways.
These others have been here for, well? all my life. Larry and I have
even found names for some of them... For example, the personality,
or Alter that is most doment, the sharpped tonged "bitch" that don't
give a damn about what she says, don't eff with her, is "Jenny
Stern" As I've come to know her, as both her and part of me I've
come to like her, she's very sharp edged on the outside, like a
hedgehog's protective quills, but on the inside she is witty and wise
and funny but she won't let too many in close. My dogs, are the only
beings she'll show outword effection to, but she has a big heart that
is overpowered at times by a even bigger mouth...

There are others, some that have assimelated... Like Marrilynd...
This one was most in control when Larry and I would be... Ehhem...
close, she was scard, and held all the memories of past lovers, like
I've had a whopping lot... not hardly... But like I said, she has
been assimlated, and I think in large part I have Larr to thank for
that because he's taken his time and hasn't rushed me or gotten mad
if things don't exactly work out...

I go on the second of June to consult with someone about getting on
meds to help with the depression and panic and I should be starting
to see professionals very soon. I know that I need to do this. That
I need to get well in my mind. That being ill mentally is no more
shameful than being physically ill, but that I need to get
well...I'll be glad to loose the depression, and the PSTD, or at the
least if not loose them, minize them and know how to cope with them
to where they don't control my life, but I'm afraid of loosing the
others.

There are times I wish they would all just shut up and leave me alone
and go away, but I'm afraid about how lonely I'd feel. I'd
miss "Stern" the most and I'm afraid that the skills that each
personality has that are really good, like house keeping, or cooking,
or relating to children, will some how lessen if the others become
one...

I think most people, when they think in terms of "I" know what that
is... To them the idea of "I" is solid and single like a stick, like
a tree... but for me, for so long, the idea, the consept of "I" is
like a bundel of sticks tied together, and I know that it needs to be
different or should b different or something...

I feel so bad for Larry sometimes... It can't be easy to live with
me, even if it is just half the month. One day I'm "just me" and
another day some other is here in my place... Oh, one more thing
about that...For the most part I, just me, do have some idea of
things that are oging on but it is lik e I'm seeing them from the
outside looking in or from behind a thick glass. There are times
that this is not the case but for the most part...
I wish there was something I could do to make it more easy for him.
It's hard on him if I go into a panic attack and he has to see that.
He says that one thing he wants is to be able to joke with me.
That's hard for me to do right now. It's so hard to tell the
difference between a joke and not a joke... So if anyone has any
ideas on how best to help me help him live through this without he
himself going crazy, please, tell me!

I'll keep everyone updated as much as I can about how things like
meds and counseling are working... Eventhough I now have more
questions, I feel good, feel better to have som answers that finally
explain some of the reasons for me being me and how, maybe? I got
this way.


Current Mood: sleepy
2:18 am
Introduction
Well? Here we are, my first real official entry in my online journal, woopdee doo! I really don't know what to say here and I bet I wind up sounding totally lame, but ohwell, hand me a crutch, here we go!

This is, atempt number two for me to keep an online journal, and since I'm actually paying for it this time, I guess I'd better do a better job than before. I better write in this loverly thing more than... Um the few times I wrote in the other? Um yeah, that might be a good plan!

This journal, beyond serving some selfish erdge to be noticed has a real reason for being here! No really! I'm starting treatment for a lot of emotional things I've been dealing with, or more to the point, not dealing with, and by writing in this thing, I hope to leave a trail of where I've been, where I need to go adnd where I'm at. The handy dandy onlineness of this whole thing will make it more easy for my friends, and who knows even the professionals who are treating me, to check in and see how I'm doing.

Well, since this is an introduction, a real introduction and not the half-assed postings that formerly occupied thsi space, testing my limited HTML skills, I better get down to the business of introducing people...

First off, since this is my journal, I'll go about the task of introducing me! Whoopee!

I'm Jenny, I'm the one who's always been here. I am in charge of going around and being "Jenny" to the whole outside world. What the...? I know, it sounds kind of weird, just keep reading I'm 26 and live in Kansas which is is as boring and blah looking in real life as they make it out to be on TV. .I'm not in school, lame, and live in my parent's basement, lamer, after getting da boot from the rehab center for the blind last July, totally lame! And that little funfest was more a "Stern" thing than mine. But I'm jumping ahead of myself.

I guess you'd say, on the outside looking in I'm a total looser geek, 26, living in my folks basement, not going to school or working... But before you all start saying "Looser!" listen up. It's not like I'm just sitting on my ass all day and writing in an online journal, or anything, wait, yes I do! But I am getting help from the state voc rehab, which is the agency in charge of helping blind people go to school or go to work. Only, right now, going to school or work isn't in my plans. I have to get better before I go to anyplace. I have a lot of emotional things wrong with me and need to get out of my parents basement. I'm going through professional counseling and am trying medications for my problems. I'm doing what my end of the agreement between my VR worker and I have set up so if anyone has something bad to say about that? Tough. Hee hee.

When I do get back to the point of going back to school and working I want to finish up wit h fly ass radio job. I'd love to be like Howard Stern or Rush Lembaugh but I don't think I'll be that big, I'd just be happy DJing for a local station or doing something that lets me push all the pretty flashing buttens and talkin into that magic electronic stick like thang and say all dem pretty words.

I hinted earlier that there were more than just me in me. What I mean is I have other personalities that sometimes step out in place of my own. No I'm no t crazy, or maybe I am but not as bad as Billy Milligon, or Cyble, I've never woke up in New York City with no clue how I got there, and I've never told p3ople my name was something that was anything diferent than my real name. I've had "the others" for as long as I can remember. I always thought that hearing voices in one's head was normal, you just didn't talk about it.

For years I went through life feeling detached from lots of things, I just thought it was normal, but it wasn't until the spring of 2002 that they finally stuck a name on it. Disassocatiation.
I've spent the past year learning what I could about it and here is what I've learned about myself, my others...

"Jenny Stern" is the one I know the best. She's really good, but can be trouble sometimes. She is a very smart mouthed out spoken "bitch" who is my protector and who comes out to front when things overwhelm me or frighten me. She I think was responsible for getting us all kicked out of the rehab center for the blind last year but that's for another entry. There are a few others but they want to stay quiet for now. That's me mostly, in a nut shell. Pretty funny since I'm nuts.

Now, lets move on to my friends!

Billy and Chelle:
I've known Chelle for about 18 years. We met in girlscouts and she lived, still lives just up the road from me. We didn't really start hanging out til jr. high and she got me hooked on mags and guys and all manner of things cool.

Billy is Chelle's husband. I've known him about six or seven years. Billy is my pet geek and fixes my computers whenever they break. He's really really good with computers and I am really really good with making them bre11ak. So you can see it's a win win friendship. LOL just kidding! Billy is really cool all geekyness aside and he isn't your "typical nerd geek" so get that thought right out your head.

Larry! Whoo hoo! Larry is my boyfriend. We met last year at the rehab center f/t blind and There's a lot to say about Larry. We've been friends for a bit over a year and going out together for a bit over five months. He has two lil girls that visit him on the weekends and I love the heck out of those lil girls eventhough they are trouble sometimes :: grin ::

Meg, Alice and Corbin
Meg is Billy's lil sister, Alice is his mom and Corbin is his stepdad and they've taken Fleming and I in as family! We go over to Alice and Corbin's for dinners and hollidays and stuff.

The Denny's crew

Candy and Toni are people who work at Denny's and who knows exactly what everyone wants to eat! They are cool and sometimes forget to put the fact we had drinks on our bill if we buy food. Whoo hoo!
Skullman!Skullman is Skullman! I don't know muchabout him other that he hangs at Denny's and is hella cool with rings sticking out of his whole body. Sweeeeeet.

Shane, Billy's partner in business. Also a friend of mine for six years.

List of former friends we don't hang out with anymore but who will show up in this journal.

The Chanute crew:
Sean, Mary, Chris, Kristen, Prencess, Hope, Dallas, Clayton, Sarah, Ben, Jennifer. Ex-housemates.

Alex. Ex-best friend in College
Al, Alex's son
Matt A K A Mr. Grand Manner, ex boyfriend from Kankakee Illinois.
Looserboy Shane first ex really abusive.

Friends I hang out with mainly online:
Nay Nay my best best best friend from Jr. high, she lives in Texas and we talk on the phone or online. 'Brina another friend from Jr. High talks with Nay and me. Lil Eva my friend from the rehab center that I hung out with a lot and got in trouble with a lot too. kKristen A K A Thumper friend from rehab center. Betty Lu friend from rehab center, Fleming's adopted grandma, Mike "Roadrash" friend I've known for like ever Kimmy good friend from the rehab center.
Jeff, and CJ two Email pals...

I think that's it for this lil entry. The next two or three are postings from my offline journal so are backdated in the text...

Current Mood: tired
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